Parents of the Pig

“And it was THE MAC, clad only in a slave’s tattered toga and wreath, who, despite all wounds, flung open the heavy gates of our enemies, and brought forth wrath upon our oppressors…” 
(An excerpt from The Pig Cycle, Book I, as told enthusiastically to a crowd of one, a semi-conscious wino, by our roving bard, purveyor of THE WORD, and desperately lonely acolyte, Dannyboy.)

RANDY “THE MAC” :  

He may wear the guise of a humble, loveable, cuddly Romanian, but don’t be fooled, for he is THE MAC.  His gentle, teddy bear exterior cunningly conceals a swashbuckler’s charm, an unparalleled technical genius, and the voracious appetite of a sexual tyrannosaurus.  The idol of millions, THE MAC is the archetypical renaissance man:  champion weightlifter, skilled pugilist, dapper man-about-town, owner and designer of his own clothing line, world-renowned philosophical scholar and lecturer, celebrated minstrel, hero of many a damsel in distress.  A man’s man, he is as much at home spouting poetry as he is waging war.  Indeed, even this titan’s stool samples are preserved and scrutinized for scientific purposes (read Dr. Charles “BOOMER!” Giles cutting edge essay, “PLUNGING FOR THE UBERMAN:  CAN WE CLONE THE MAC?”), and his celebrated “how-to” bowel voiding manual is in its 69th printing.   Action figure coming soon.

CHRISTOPHER “QUE” :  

The antithesis of his esteemed partner in every way.  A worm of a man in every sense, Chris lives the pathetic existence of a fanboy recluse.  Sexually impotent (would any self-respecting man christen his member “Corky?”), socially inept, and hygienically challenged, this feeble caricature of a man lives vicariously through the adventures and conquests of his comicbook heroes. While retained by the WILDPIG clan for his vast knowledge as a comicbook archivist, QUE is rarely allowed out of the back room to deal with customers.  In fact, any WILDPIG servitor faces an immediate death sentence (courtesy of the dreaded PIGGETTES) if QUE is allowed any opportunity to attempt social intercourse with female patrons.  QUE is permanently attended by professional “wipers” Hans and Olaf after shrieking MAYDAY! over the store intercom system while straddling the commode.  This puny half-man fantasizes (to no avail mind you) about having his own action figure.